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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I had to Stop for this
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end