I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My beach vacation Google searches
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO