Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
🐕🍷
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
that lip filler tho
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these