HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist