Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN