Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
LMAO.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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