I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.