[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You Might Also Like
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram