“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I put the h in mysterious.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: