Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
If only.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Free him