I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler