Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
You Might Also Like
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.