[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it