I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
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Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.