Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Only a mother’s love …
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee