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Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
A collection of me turning into random objects.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”