My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.