[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
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One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX