drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
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I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
U talkin 2 me?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.