Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
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Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
bad news gang
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
a badder mouse
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.