big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.