If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Teamwork makes the dream work.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I love you…
…r dog.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does