I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.