got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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January is lasting longer than my marriage
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome