Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
OMG 🤣🤣
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*