Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
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y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.