If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.