WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.