If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
📽️movie date🎞️
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*