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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
never deleting this app.
My birth announcement for our third baby
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
When you’re Kinky but poor
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix