I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
#parenting
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?