Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.