WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Spider-cat: No One Home
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe