Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
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🤣😂
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever