The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
not seeing the problem
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it