I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.