Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin