cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
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I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.