Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.