All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My beach vacation Google searches
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”