I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
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*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Pretty much. 🤣
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying