“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*