I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
goldfish mafia
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.