Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”