We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.