Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
How animals would run if they were human
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.