[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Just why bro?!
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them