Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
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therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
favorite tropes as memes
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
How to find Kentucky on a map
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?