Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Same post same
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
🤣🤣
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
yea so i messed up lol
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’ll be mad as hell!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable