When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no